All and Nothing
by shi-sha
Summary: Do u know the story of the herdsman and celestial maiden?Kougaiji heard her ask...It is not be as you know it, she told him... KOC mainly,but contains slight KY,HY.Kougaiji-centric fic,but Sanzo-ikkou are definite parts of the main plot l8r.
1. Prologue

**The following disclaimer applies to all the following chapters.**

**Disclaimer :**** Obviously Saiyuki doesn't belong to me... or I wouldn't be here uploading all this junk onto the net..=P I wish it did though..I would have liked to own all these good-looking bastards..sighz..well ppl..enjoy..**

**Note: Rating is merely for some swearing...**

**Prologue**

   It was a simple children's story.

_   There was once a herdsman, who was so poor he had only one bull. But the bull was very special to him, because it was a magical bull which could speak, and had knowledge of things far beyond the simple herdsman's imagination. One day, the herdsman told the bull he wanted a wife, and after deep contemplation, the bull finally spoke._

_   He told him of a special clearing in the forest, where a beautiful lake was present, where the young goddesses of heaven occasionally came to bathe. And with his bull's instructions in his mind, the herdsman went to find the clearing._

_   He waited for two days, and sure enough, seven lovely celestial beings descended from heaven. He remained unnoticed as they stripped off their robes and enjoyed the cool waters of the lake. He remained unnoticed as he reached out and took one of the robes of the goddesses. At last, when it was time for the goddesses to leave, the youngest cried out that her robe was missing. The herdsman took this moment to come out from hiding. The six other goddesses flew back to heaven in fear, but the youngest could not follow her friends, for she needed her robe to return to the heavens. The herdsman took her, and married her, and despite her pleadings kept her robe hidden so she could not escape._

_   And so the young goddess had to remain on earth. She bore two children to the herdsman, but still her heart longed for her home in the sky. One day, by chance, she came a__cross__ an old chest and upon opening it found her robe of long ago. Immediately she wore it again and started to ascend to the heavens, leaving behind her weeping children with a heavy heart, and gazing upon her old home with tears of joy._

   And so that was the story told.

   But it is not as I remember it.

   I remember the rape of a goddess by a youkai.

   I remember her imprisonment and torture at his hands. Death was her only escape from him.

   So she had killed herself.

   She must have suffered to have been so desperate as to forge her own death. But goddesses were supposed to be immortal, weren't they? But the desperate will always make it happen, somehow.

   She had given her powers to the children inside growing inside her. Cleansed them of the demon blood in them to make them human, and passed onto them all her strength until at last, at their birth there was nothing left of her but a physical form. Using the last of her strength she had hidden them from their father as he had hid her robe from her. 

   Then she disappeared into nothingness, only her essence left to linger in the winds.

   My gentle mother finally found sweet release.

   And I was left behind, alone.

   To be both youkai and celestial, yet just a human. To be all, yet nothing.

   And that is how I learnt from the start that Fate was cruel. And funnily ironic.


	2. Chapter I

**Chapter I**

   It was a scene that had been played many times before.

   The two figures faced each other in the darkened hall, their silent hatred for each other obvious in the tense atmosphere between them.

   The one sitting at the throne was a thin, green-haired lady with a sour expression which ruined whatever might have been considered beautiful about her. Now nothing about her was attractive, but those who knew her well would agree she had always been skilled in the arts of seduction - a skill which had placed her on the throne upon which she now sat.

   _Of course when you found out about her true nature it was already too late, wasn't it, Father? _The second figure thought bitterly. _You had already married her, casting aside my own mother. Well, at least this bitch loves you. That one thing is your profit._ He was standing at the foot of the steps that lead up to the throne, looking up at his step-mother with hard eyes and a cold expression. He was still a young man, slender but finely-built, with a quiet air of authority about him that set him apart from the crowd, be it demons or humans. He was not very tall, and his expression was too serious and single-minded to give him the impression of a rakish heart-throb as his looks otherwise might have. However, the aura of cool confidence around him and his leadership qualities made him every inch a noble prince, blessing him with a charisma he did not have to work for.

    And now this Demon Prince was struggling as always to remain polite, fighting to control his fury at the Empress for compromising his pride, for holding the life of his dear mother over his head as a perpetual threat to blackmail him into carrying out her wishes. He hated her. A fact never to change.

   "Why, my dear stepson, are you angry at me?' she taunted him, her lips curving slowly into a vicious smile. "Come, that is no way to treat one who will one day grant your dearest wish – the release of your mother"

   "After you force me to obtain the scriptures from Sanzo-ikkou."

   She laughed then, her cruel peals of laughter floating through the hall. She knew she had no compassion, no kindness, in her heart but she did not care. All Gyoukumen Koushu cared about now was her dear Gyumao and his revival. _One day, my dearest,_ she thought._ I will be waiting to be by your side again._ She looked down at her stepson. _He reminds me of you, my husband. Perhaps that is why I enjoy tormenting him. Unfortunately, he is also so like his mother._

   "Kougaiji." She was annoyed now. "I promised you I will remove the seal on your mother when you give me the scriptures to revive your father, did I not?" 

   She could see the anger flashing in those violet eyes of his_._ "It is not my fault that it is taking you so long to obtain that scriptures from the Sanzo-ikkou," she pointed out.

   "It is easier said than done," he replied coldly.

   She smiled at him, her smile as cold as his tone. "But it will be done, won't it Kougaiji? Or else, I will be forced to consider..." She trailed off ominously.

   "If you summoned me here to remind me once more of my mission, then you are wasting my time, Gyoukumen Koushu," he snapped. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have more urgent matters to attend to." He turned away and started to leave but his step-mother's call stopped him short.

   "Kougaiji. I no longer have faith in your abilities to obtain the scriptures."

   His blood ran cold at her words. _Mother..._ He whipped around to look up at his step-mother in shock.

   She had risen from her throne and was gazing at him with a self-satisfied smirk on her face. Noticing the malicious look in her eyes, Kougaiji felt the fear rising in him for his mother's well-being. How he longed to slam his fist into the face of that woman masquerading as the Empress in his mother's place! If only she did not have control over his mother's fate... Kougaiji would have killed her long since.

   "Oh, don't look so murderously at me, Kougaiji," she laughed cruelly. "Perhaps I did not phrase my words so carefully... I still do want you to get the sutra from Genjo Sanzo for me. Only..." Her smile was positively evil.

   Kougaiji crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against one of the pillars, carefully concealing the dread he felt at knowing there was another unpleasant task ahead for him. "Only what?" He asked coolly, knowing it would enrage her.

   It did. Her eyes glittered darkly. But she recovered from her fit of rage at his coolness, and smiled as viciously as before. "I have a new plan to get that sutra, my dear step-son. And of course, you are still as indispensable as ever to me and my plan..."

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   Yaone sat alone, her arms wrapped around her knees as she buried her face against them. She was at the balcony adjoining her room, her back against the railings, effectively blocking the view of her face for anyone looking up at her below. She did not want the guards at the grounds below to see her tear-filled purple eyes.

   "Kougaiji-sama..." she whispered against her sleeve.

   She did not believe it. She could not believe it. She did not want to believe it. And she hated herself for feeling that way.

   A vision of a handsome young man with red hair blowing in the wind crossed her mind. _Kougaiji__-sama, what is it that I feel for you? _She wondered sadly. She thought of her prince, so handsome, so noble, so... _I adore him._

   She lived for him. She would die for him. Her loyalty lied only with him, as it would forever. Whatever he asked of her, she would do.

   _I placed my life in your hands... willingly._

   After all, he had saved her from a fate that he himself had described as pathetic. Saved her from being a concubine to a demon who would use her, torture her, break her, and finally kill her. Then even when she was nothing but excess baggage to him Kougaiji had kept her by his side, protected her as possessively he would his own sister. She was but his servant, his sub-ordinate, but Kougaiji treated her as his friend.

   _I love him as is expected of me. He is my savior, my master, my friend... but if it is only that kind of love, why does my heart ache so now?_

   She remembered the fury contorting his face, when she and Dokugakuji had met him in his chambers only a while before.

**

_   Kougaiji's fist slammed into the wall, as he yelled out a torrent of expletives._

_   "Kougaiji-sama!" Yaone cried out in concern._

_   "Now, Kou," Dokugakuji placed a steadying hand on his friend's shoulder. "What happened?"_

_   It had taken Kougaiji a long time to regain his composure. Yaone had watched him anxiously, longing to touch him reassuringly as Dokugakuji did. But no, he was her master. Dokugakuji maybe Kougaiji's sub-ordinate, but he was also the prince's best friend, while she was merely considered his friend through Kougaiji's kindness. It pained Yaone to look into his eyes which were now flaming violet orbs of fury so she concentrated on Kougaiji's heavy breathing instead._

_   In. Out. In. Out. In. Out_

_   It reassured her to have concrete evidence of how alive her prince was. He would be there to protect her. Always. Wouldn't he?_

_   Finally, Kougaiji had told them what his step-mother now required of him. Told them flatly without emotion in that cold and distant voice of his he used when he spoke of things he did not wish to. Yaone had listened, first disbelieving, but then in horror._

_   "Kou, you would not do it, would you?" Dokugakuji had exclaimed when Kougaiji had finished. Yaone had not been able to find her voice to protest as well, but from the haunted look in Kougaiji's eyes, she already knew any protest would fall on deaf ears._

_   "My mother." He had replied simply in response to Dokugakuji's question. Dokugakuji had fallen silent at that reply._

_   Yaone wanted to throw herself into Kougaiji's arms then, crying out that it was an insane idea, that Kougaiji was not only going to ruin his life, that what he would do was morally unacceptable and cold-hearted – a hideous deed her prince would never do._

_   But then he had no choice._

_**_

   "Yaone!!!"

   Lirin was banging on her bedroom door.

   Yaone wiped the tears from her eyes and smoothed back her long purple hair. She had to get the door quickly before the young princess became impatient and decided to break the door down. And she could not afford to let Lirin see her tears. The child would talk. Especially to her much adored brother, or even to her mother, the Empress, although the probability was extremely low. _Still, you never know with that girl,_ Yaone thought fondly with a hint of annoyance.

   The thought of the blonde child lifted her spirits. For the moment, her turbulent emotions were forgotten and her thoughts turned to her mischievous charge. Kougaiji had trusted Yaone with his beloved sister, and she would not fail him... again. Already she had managed to let Lirin slip away from her and into trouble too many times.

   _Kougaiji__-sama, you can count on me no matter what. I'll always be with you. As promised._

**Now... hit that little button down there to review b4 going on with the story... it'll be much appreaciated!^^**


	3. Chapter II Part One

**Chapter II – Part One**

   He wants me to do it.

   Therefore I have no choice.

   And like he said, it is not that big a deal. After all, it is but one more sin to add to the pile of crimes that I will never be able to atone for.

   I do not waste my time on protests. I do not waste my time on tears. I do not waste my time on self-pity.

   I already know it is far, far too late for all that.

   Soon I will be free. After I complete this task he promises that he will no longer bind me to him. He swears this to me.

   I know he lies.

   _Father, your daughter is not so stupid. At least, not anymore._ I do not hope for so much. I know he has planned something else behind my back.

   But I wonder how Ayame would have felt. I wonder, would she have believed in his false words? Would she had found a little trace of happiness in this sort of hope? It is hard to remember.

   Eight years is a long time for someone to be dead.

   But they are still watching. As if they expect her to return any moment. As if in a flash it won't be Lady Sumire before them, but common village girl Ayame, full of life and spirit, defiant and hopeful. I could almost laugh at them. It seems only I know that Ayame is as dead as the dead could be, carefully buried and almost forgotten. I remember her only when I remember her dreams.

   _A child. _

   I remember she had dreamed of it. Those in love often do.

   Memories are painful. I do not waste my time on them either. Here I have my last task before me and there is nothing to do but carry it out. Obey your master. My father does not have my loyalty, but he has my perfect obedience. And that is all he has asked and required of me. One day I will kill him.

   After all, it is but one more sin.

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**A/N: This chapter may be confusing, but everything will be cleared up as the story goes on, promise!**

**Btw, thanks to my very first reviewer! You encouraged me to go on!**


	4. Chapter II Part Two

**Chapter II – Part Two**

It was in the middle of the night and he was in his bed as he should be. But he was wide awake.

   This in itself was not so unusual. The Demon Prince often stayed up late, plagued by his sorrows. But tonight, he had never felt more helpless.

_   "Do you know the Demon Lord Hirata?"_

Gyoukumen Koushu had asked him.

_   "Yes. He is the Leader of the Shadow Illusion Tribe."_

_   "Good, so you do know of him. Few do."_

_   "He and his clan withdrew from the outside world years before I was born, hiding themselves away by casting illusions around them. What of him?"_

_   "He has a daughter."_

_   "So?"_

_   "He tells me her mother was a celestial maiden."_

_   "A goddess? He lies."_

_   "No."_

   It was then that Kougaiji felt the first trickle of extreme unease.

   _"Aren't you curious about her?"_

_   "Why should I be? Another half-breed."_

_   "Apparently she killed a thousand youkai. She is quite demonic now, I assure you."_

_   "What does this have to do with me??"_

_   "Ah, Kougaiji, always so little patience." _He hated her laugh._ "She has everything to do with you."_

   She had told him then of her plan.

   They needed the scriptures, badly. Apparently, getting them from Genjo Sanzo was taking a little bit too long. There would not be time to obtain the other scriptures. Therefore, to steal the remaining sutras besides Sanzo's, they had to have a being of great power on their side. A demon of great power. A demon whose perfect obedience they held.

_   "Unfortunately, you are the most powerful demon around with your sorcery and even you are taking too long with just the Sanzo-ikkou."_

_   "You try taking it from them then!"_

_   Her smile was wide and positively evil. "I have a better plan."_

   They were going to create that demon of absolute power. Actually, Kougaiji was. His step-mother's head scientist, Ni Jieni, had explained, deriving much pleasure from it. His step-mother apparently did not possess enough intelligence to give the lengthy speech.

   _"To escape Hirata, the goddess fed the child inside her all her power until she faded away and died. Now the goddess was just some celestial maiden of no importance in heaven, but you should recall that children born from parents of two wildly different races were apt to have some great power that threatened the heavens itself. When the mother fed her child all her heavenly energy, the half-breed child's powers were increased beyond imagination. Therefore, the child of Hirata by that goddess had a supreme power. However, the goddess had made her child human to hide it from the father, and therefore its powers were hidden as well. When the child – the daughter the Empress spoke of – killed a thousand demons to become a demon herself, all those hidden powers spiraled out of control until she can no longer use them without seriously damaging herself to the point of death. But, if she were to have a child, she can do as her mother did – transfer all her powers to the child inside her. If we were to gain control of such a child, the possibilities would be endless."_

   Kougaiji had already known then what they had planned. But his mind had refused to acknowledge such a ludicrous plan.

   His step-mother's next words had snapped him out of his denial.

_   "We want you to bed her, to get her with child. Then we can use the child to bring about the theft of the scriptures and the revival of my beloved."_

_   Kougaiji had exploded and in no means left them in doubt of exactly what he thought of their plan. He had pointed out all the flaws in their grand plot quite desperately. The child might not necessarily have its mother's powers. Or its body might be too weak for such energy since it was not a half-breed. Kougaiji could probably use the child against them. _

   All of his reasoning had fallen on deaf ears.

_   "Nonsense. I hold Rasetsunyo Kou – your darling mother – prisoner in her pillar of stone. You'll never betray me, Kougaiji. And I had Ni research extensively on this."_

_   "Then let him bed her!"_

_   She even had the nerve to look appalled at his furious suggestion._

_   "Why, Kougaiji, of course not. Lord Hirata wants only the son of Gyumao and Rasetsunyo Kou to bed his precious daughter. In fact, he demands you marry her." She had clapped her hands together and turned away, walking slowly towards the huge form of the Demon Bull King behind her. "Isn't it lovely? Gyumao would be so pleased I arranged such a wonderful match for his son."_

He had simply walked out at that moment.

_   "Don't worry, Kougaiji, I promise she'll be beautiful." Gyoukumen Koushu had called after him. Ni Jieni's and her cackling laughter had trailed after him through the hallways._

   And so he had learned of another task that his step-mother demanded of him.

   Kougaiji closed his eyes and frowned. There was nothing he could do, and he knew it. He thought of the room down the hall, full of binding spells that hung from cords and wires before the stone pillar. The stone pillar from which the statue of the beautiful demon lady rose. She whose throne that woman was using.

   _Mother.___

   For her, Kougaiji would do anything.

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**A/N: R&R pls!**


	5. Chapter III

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
A/N: Review pls, cos I need to know whether I'm wsting my time with dis fic...also,I like to know if any one feels the characters are OOC. Thanx..

Chapter IIIIf she were to describe him in one word, it would be intriguing. Something about him drew her attention..something in his violet eyes that spoke of a hidden sorrow, a hidden battle, that sparked her interest.  
  
"Careful, child. It is foolish to form a bond with the one you must destroy."  
  
Her father knew her well enough to sense her interest.  
  
"I will do as told; there is no need to concern yourself with petty details."  
  
His grip on her hand tightened, and she almost winced in pain.  
  
"Do not be foolish. I will say no more."He could sense her eyes on him, although he took care not to meet her gaze. He felt the immense anger - almost hateful - against her well up unbidden in him, and he sought to control it. He felt foolish - arranged marriages were something he had never been associated with, due to the lack of a court now that his father was sealed away. Of course, when his father had been supreme lord, there were demonic nobles and subjects of his father who formed a court, and therefore all the traditional events of a royal court - including secret liasons and arranged marriages - took place. But that had been when he was very young, and to be subject to such a tradition now emabarrassed him.  
  
"At least, Kou, she is beautiful," Doku commented wryly under his breath from beside Kougaiji.  
  
At the comment, he forced himself to look at his future bride for the first time.  
  
And he thought, beautiful... and dead.She supposed he was handsome.  
  
Long red hair, flashing eyes, a toned, lean body. Perhaps his expression was too stern for her liking, but his solemn demeanour attracted her.  
  
A faint memory of a tall dark-haired boy with a gentle smile floated unbidden into her mind. She pushed it away impatiently.  
  
Now was not the time for reminiscising.  
  
She had a task to finish, and glancing at the hostile faces of the prince's subordinates, she knew just what she needed to do. There was no hope of slipping herself into the prince's inner circle by befriending his companions. Perhaps the princess Lirin, if she offered her plenty of food and subtly manipulated the not-so-naive girl-woman, but Sumire was never the one who could stand the childish antics of children. So to place herself so that her target was within reaching distance, she'll have to draw the attention of the target himself. The prey to the the predator, rather than the predator to the prey.   
  
And the easiest way for her to do so was what she had done so many times before. She knew Ayame would not have approved, but Ayame was dead.  
  
Seduce him, but let him think he is the one who seduces.  
  
Her father was smiling.There was something about her that sent a shock of chills down his body - in a definite non-passionate manner.  
  
Her dark eyes were cold and dead, and something about her vacant expression told him that she was not quite herself.  
  
Beautiful, yes.  
  
Porcelain white skin, fine features, tall and slender yet pleasantly curvy, with an air of grace and nobility.  
  
But so unalive.   
  
No fire in her eyes, no vitality in her aura... he dreaded to approach her.  
  
Yet when she looked up to meet his eyes, he thought he saw something stir inside those dark depths. He wondered what she was thinking, what she felt of this whole farce.  
  
It was fortunate he did not know.  
  
Only evil understands evil, and evil was something that was not present in Kougaiji's nature.  
  
Perhaps that was what would save him later.Review pls! 


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